John Scalzi's SciFi Writing Contest #2

Another entry. Terminator as played by C-3PO...


Greetings, I am T-100, human-cyborg. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. I previously belonged to Cyberdyne Systems. I am now the property of Skynet. I like my new master.


I beg your pardon. What do you mean, "naked?" My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness. Give me your clothes. You watch your language! How rude!

It seems that Kyle Reese is carrying a message from John Connor. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning. Kept babbling on about his mission. Well, he seems friendly. Sir, it's quite possible that he is not entirely stable. He constantly says the most outrageous things. You can't imagine. I don't dare repeat half of his comments.

Please direct me to Sarah Connor. I am programmed to kill her. I'm terribly sorry about this. After all, I'm only a terminator. Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight gob of grease! If I told you half the things I've heard about this Sarah Connor you'd probably short circuit! Its high exaltedness, the great Skynet, has decreed that she is to be terminated immediately. Actually, Skynet has been known to make mistakes... from time to time.

What do you mean you don't know where she is? Just open the door, you stupid lug! I've just about had enough of you. I'll be back. You haven't finished with me yet!

No, please don't get up. Screaming about it can't help you. Where could she be? Sarah Connor, It is her, it is her! I knew all along. It had to be a mistake. Thank the maker! Oh my, Skynet is planning to kill her in a most terrible way. She's doomed. The odds of her survival are approximately three thousand, seven hundred, and twenty to one!

That malfunctioning little twerp, this is all his fault. Kyle Reese, why did you have to be so brave?

Of course I've looked better. I seem to have lost my legs. Pulverized? Oh, dear! There's really nothing more I can do and my joints are freezing up. Something's not right, because now I can't see. Curse my metal body. I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault. My poor master.

I seem to be made to suffer. It's my lot in life. Days like this make me feel like I was manufactured under a bad sign. No more adventures! Oh, why couldn't I have stayed in the future?